I need new shoulderpads


Some weeks ago I interviewed for my own position in the wastelands. My department is restructuring (reducing), and to allow the company harmonise synergies (fire people) without announcing redundancies. Therefore all the job titles were changed. And the job descriptions were also subtly altered – by about 15%. We were then told that as the department was transitioning into a shiny new phase, we would have to interview for these shiny new job titles.

I am involved in theatre. Feigning boyish enthusiasm, mixed with burning ambition and dedication is a look I can assume with relative ease. Along with a winsome sincerity.

Oh how we laughed.

And then the silence.

Weeks turned into months as the tumbleweed blew over the office floor. When asked when we would hear the results we were glared at for our insolence. Strategies were still being strategized. Granularity was still being granularized. The impertinence of us.

I have been through this corporate charade a few times previously, in an earlier life in the Netherlands. There is absolutely no point in stressing. Nor is there any benefit to asking questions. The people implementing these changes in Dublin are mere minions, and are acting at the behest of the Borg – global headquarters in the US. The decisions have been made in a boardroom in a land far, far away, and the people making them are well sheltered from the personal repercussions. When it comes to these situations, I feel like Faye Dunaway as the Widow Joan Crawford in the film ‘Mommie Dearest’.  As she enters the Pepsi-Cola boardroom after the death of her husband Alfred Steele – the CEO of the company – she discovers that the executives are trying to oust the Widow Steele. She turns on them them and snarls ‘DON’T FUCK WITH ME FELLAS, THIS AIN’T MY FIRST TIME AT THE RODEO!’

Other people have not been through this process before. They are stressed. Such a waste of energy.

This morning I was called into a room. Five weeks after my interview I have been offered my job.

I am pleased. I feel all business-like and executive.

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