A job interview – for my own job

Cher

This morning I had a job interview. For the very same job I have been doing for the past two years. This may appear slightly surreal and bizarre, but when you are as hardened to the deranged workings of a multi-national corporation as I am, then you tend just to shrug your shoulders and go through the motions, regardless of how ludicrous they might appear.

Some months ago a thrilling, and exhilarating announcement was made. In the interests of accelerating growth; harmonising potential and unleashing synergies, a ‘redesign’ of how we work was announced.

In other words there was a renaming of all jobs, to pretend that the functions we performed were suddenly different. Some positions were made redundant; the roles that were to remain in place (but cunningly renamed) would be open for everybody to apply for. As it so happens my position remains. It might have a glitzy new title, but the specific functions remain exactly what they have always been. Several permanent staff members have been informed that their roles are for the axe, so they have all applied for my job. I am a temporary employee on a one year contract. I have no choice but to reapply – being temporary there are no potential golden handshakes for me; no financial windfalls for being forced out. A month’s notice is the best I can expect. So this morning I made  my way to the wastelands for the unholy hour of 8.30am. My interview was at 9. I was in a foul and noxious mood. It is inhuman to make someone attend a 9am appointment when you are allegedly entitled to arrive at 9.30am.

The look of moronic optimism of the people interviewing me, raised my hackles even further. These company people look like they will be informing people of their redundancies as if it is an exciting opportunity to explore new challenges on the employment market. At the age of 57.

I am flexible, having moved around over my career, between jobs, and companies and countries. My CV is always sparkling and up to date. Some others in here have spent nearly their entire working lives in here. The air of dread and despair surrounding these people is frightening.

My insincere smile was plastered on my face as I entered the room. Buzzwords concerning growth, opportunity, touchpoints, and synergy flowed from my lips in an avalanche of corporate, verbal diarrhoea, that would empower David Brent from The Office. I utilised all the skills I have learned from my years in theatre to convince these people, that in fact, I am the most suitable candidate for the role that I, and I alone, have been performing in this office since November 2015.

I shall await the outcome with baited breath.

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